Carley Knight

The Curious Artist

Fear and Grit

I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I’m not meant to be a visual artist, maybe this isn’t the path I want to go down anymore, maybe I want to be a writer.

When I think about it though, no matter what path I chose there will be struggle, uncertainty, hardship and pain. If I let that stop me now, I’ll just get to the same problem in a different place and it’ll be even harder to stick it out because I won’t have built up my grit muscles. I need to stick it out and keep going for my sake.

The type of life that I want to lead is a meaningful, challenging, fulfilling one where I’m able to keep growing as a person.

Maybe I don’t “have what it takes” to be an artist, but I’ll never know unless I actually try and make an honest go of it. If I really work at it and fail that will suck, but at least I’ll have done my best and I won’t wonder anymore. And if I try, I might succeed. That’s the scary part there. If I succeed I’d need to actually change, and change is scary. I need to rededicate myself to my work, like I said before, I need to lean into the fear and uncertainty.

But how? So far I don’t have a good answer, but I’m learning that by taking small steps and focusing on my daily actions instead of the bigger picture I’m feeling less anxious, calmer. As long as I do what I need to do, i.e. eat healthy, exercise, and meditate daily I’m better able think and be creative. When I don’t do those small things I start to fall apart and second guess myself. I need to figure out how I’m going to support myself in the future, sure, but now I need to focus on the present, not worry so much, and have faith that the bigger picture will take care of itself.

I read a book about uncertainty a while ago by Johnathan Fields, it was called “Uncertainty” and I probably should reread it. The book talked about uncertainty and how you can live in the face of it. I remember he talked about how daily rituals help sustain a creative practice. I also want to reread “Art and Fear” by David Bayles and Ted Orland. A friend recently recommended it to me after I posted my last blog post. I had read it when I was in art school, but I can’t remember much from it.

Anyway, I need to put less pressure on my art, focus on making progress everyday. I miss making art, I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere I let fear rob me of my art making. I haven’t worked on my art in a few weeks and I miss it. looking back, I think what happened was I showed at gallery night and I didn’t sell anything so I got discouraged, I need to remember that the goal of making art isn’t to sell it, the goal is to make it. I need to think small: progress, not perfection.

Me and My Art on Bay View Gallery night

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I wrote this post as a journal entry to myself and I thought that maybe someone else might get something out of it. If you enjoyed this post please feel free to leave a comment below and let me know what you think. Have you encountered similar issues? How have you managed to overcome them?

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